In Ethical Non-Monogamy, managing jealousy isn’t just about handling one emotion. It involves understanding the deeper layers that shape our reactions, particularly how attachment styles influence these experiences. Originally developed by John Bowlby, attachment theory provides insights into how our early caregiver relationships impact adult connections. Within ENM, identifying your attachment style can illuminate why jealousy surfaces in certain situations and help tailor strategies that align with your emotional tendencies.
An Overview of Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
- Characteristics: If you have a secure attachment style, you likely view yourself and others positively. You’re generally comfortable with intimacy and independence, making trust easier to establish with your partners.
- Jealousy: Jealousy here is situational rather than pervasive. It’s usually manageable and can be resolved through open communication before escalating into a more significant issue.
Anxious Attachment
- Characteristics: Anxiously attached individuals often crave closeness and reassurance but struggle with a persistent fear of abandonment. This may lead to preoccupation with relationships, where even minor shifts in dynamics trigger intense reactions.
- Jealousy: For those with an anxious attachment style, jealousy can be frequent and intense, often fuelled by a fear of being replaced. This may lead to behaviours like seeking constant reassurance or over-analysing interactions.
Avoidant Attachment
- Characteristics: People with avoidant attachment styles value independence, often at the cost of emotional closeness. They may struggle with vulnerability and tend to distance themselves when autonomy feels threatened.
- Jealousy: Though avoidant individuals might not openly express jealousy, it can still be present, masked by withdrawal or rationalisation. Emotional detachment is often a way to avoid confronting these feelings.
Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment
- Characteristics: This style combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies, creating a challenging push-pull dynamic. Individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment often desire intimacy but also fear it, leading to conflicted behaviours.
- Jealousy: Jealousy in this style can be overwhelming and confusing, marked by a desire for reassurance yet a fear of vulnerability. This can result in a cycle of drawing close and then pulling away.
How Jealousy Manifests Across Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
- Manifestation: Jealousy is usually a passing feeling rather than a recurring issue. Securely attached individuals can typically communicate their emotions openly and resolve them constructively.
- Strategy: Lean into open communication and a strong trust foundation. Use jealousy as a prompt to check in with your partner, ensuring mutual security.
Anxious Attachment
- Manifestation: Jealousy can be a frequent companion, driven by fears of being left behind. This often leads to a need for reassurance or control.
- Strategy: Develop self-soothing techniques, whether through mindfulness, journaling, or creative outlets, to ground yourself. Aim to express your needs clearly but without overwhelming—balance is key.
Avoidant Attachment
- Manifestation: Jealousy is often masked by detachment or rationalisation. Instead of confronting feelings, avoidantly attached individuals might shut down emotionally.
- Strategy: Begin by acknowledging jealousy without judgement. Practise small acts of openness, like sharing a minor concern, to gradually foster connection.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
- Manifestation: Jealousy is intertwined with intense emotions—fear of intimacy, fear of loss, and uncertainty. Navigating this can be confusing and challenging.
- Strategy: Establishing safety and trust is essential. Working with a therapist can be beneficial for unpacking past influences. In relationships, communicate needs and boundaries consistently to manage push-pull dynamics.
Tailored Strategies for Managing Jealousy
- For the Securely Attached: Continue practising open, honest communication. Use your natural tendency towards transparency to address jealousy early.
- For the Anxiously Attached: Build self-soothing habits and communicate for reassurance, but also develop the ability to reassure yourself.
- For the Avoidantly Attached: Acknowledge and explore jealousy in manageable doses. Practice small acts of vulnerability to connect meaningfully with your partner.
- For the Fearful-Avoidant: Seek support when necessary. Clear communication about your needs can create a stable foundation, helping to manage the push-pull cycle.
Conclusion: Embracing Your Attachment Style in ENM
In polyamory, jealousy isn’t something you simply “get over.” It’s an emotion to understand, manage, and integrate constructively within relationships. By recognising how your attachment style shapes your experience of jealousy, you can approach these feelings with greater awareness and compassion.
The goal isn’t to eliminate jealousy altogether. Rather, it’s about responding to it constructively and using it as a tool for growth—both individually and within your relationships. Whether you’re securely attached, anxiously navigating connections, or somewhere in between, tailored strategies can help you manage jealousy and build more fulfilling connections in your ENM journey.
Further Reading
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
- Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press.
- Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). Discovery of a new, insecure-disorganized/disoriented attachment pattern. In T. B. Brazelton & M. Yogman (Eds.), Affective Development in Infancy (pp. 95-124). Ablex Publishing.
- Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133-161.
- Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
- Feeney, J. A., & Noller, P. (1996). Adult Attachment. Sage Publications.
- Bretherton, I., & Munholland, K. A. (2008). Internal working models in attachment relationships: Elaborating a central construct in attachment theory. In J. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (2nd ed., pp. 102-127). Guilford Press.
- Gillath, O., Karantzas, G. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2016). Adult Attachment: A Concise Introduction to Theory and Research. Academic Press.
- Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.
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